Suicide is no longer a question for me to consider.
My depression symptoms first started in my very early teens. I assumed the terrible thoughts and feelings I was having were part of the “normal” teenage years. I quietly suffered until it was finally too much to handle. I made my first suicide attempt when I was 14. I am now 37 years old and have suffered with severe depression and anxiety for over 20 years. I have attempted suicide a total of 4 times. During those 20 years struggling with depression, I regularly saw a psychiatrist and counselor, and it seems like I’ve tried every anti-depressant medication out there. Before my last suicide attempt two years ago, I was on a cocktail of 7 different anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medications. But not even that much medicine could give me peace or any hope. There were times during my life where things were okay, but the depression was always there to some extent and the question of suicide was somewhat of a constant in my mind.
My depression greatly affected my parents as I grew up. They felt hopeless and fearful that something might push me over the proverbial edge again. I had a difficult time having close friendships, for fear they would find out who the “real me” was. I was blessed to find a loving husband and have a family together. Unfortunately, my husband and kids have suffered because of this incurable illness. I wasn’t fully present and able to enjoy them because of my constant emotional struggles. Until Ketamine.
After my last suicide attempt, I was admitted into a mental hospital for over a week. During that time, my family researched alternatives to anti-depressant medications for severe depression. My mother-in-law came across an article describing the use of Ketamine in severe depression. I was naturally skeptical, but willing to try anything. After my first Ketamine treatment, the overwhelming feeling of dread was minimized. After my first week of treatments, I finally felt hope – something I had not had in 20 years. I have now been receiving Ketamine treatments for a little over 2 years. The benefits have remained, with no long-lasting side effects after the treatments.
I am now able to enjoy my family, my career, my life, without the question of suicide entering my mind. I was able to reduce my medications from 7 to 2. I no longer have to see a psychiatrist on a bi-monthly basis. I still see a counselor because I believe in the power of your mind and what you tell yourself. Although there is no cure for depression, in my opinion Ketamine comes pretty darn close.